MAKING VACATION HOME:
IMMOBILIER INFERNO
By Alan S. Kahan

If you were properly brought up, you know that Paris is the most beautiful, sophisticated, sexy, and cool place in the world. Therefore, it is only natural that you want to own a piece of it. Besides, hotels are so expensive, and you could always rent the place out when you aren't living there. So you decide to take the plunge. You gaily tell your friends, "I'm going to buy an apartment in Paris!" It is only when those in the know look at you with pity, that you have the first inkling that you are about to enter.... the IMMOBILIER INFERNO.

Immobilier is the French word for real estate. It is analogous to the English word "immobile". Houses and land don't move, unlike the mobilier, the furniture, which does. The French, accustomed as they are to revolutions in their political life, prefer to invest their money in something that appears more likely to last than the latest constitution. This is one reason why Paris real estate prices are what they are. High. Of course, if you live in London or San Francisco or Manhattan, you will think Paris is cheap. Compared to anywhere else it costs a lot. But it is not the price that makes Paris an apartment-buying hell.

It's the people, as Sartre said.

All over the world, the real estate business attracts used-car salespeople who want to move up a rung. They never forget their origins, however. They are the same in Paris as in your local swamp - just as slimy, but in their own unique, stylish, Parisian way. Sometimes their being French does get in the way of selling you a moldy sub-basement, however. The French have never really discovered customer service. They find it hard to believe you wouldn't automatically want whatever it is they've got, so they don't make much of an effort to sell it to you. Most real-estate agents we encountered in our search for a Paris apartment didn't work holidays or Sundays. Some don't even work Saturdays.

Most apartment owners weren't terribly eager to make their apartments accessible either - it was a rare owner in possession who actually gave a set of keys to the agent. We heard of one owner who only allowed his place to be shown 2-5 on Saturdays. After 2 months on the market without (can you believe it?) a sale, he decided to add a Friday morning to the schedule. Most owners were not so extreme, but during school vacations many will take off for a week or two, taking their keys with them. You'll just have to wait to see their palace until they get back. This is not primadonna behavior. It is just the way the French are. Even the real estate agents complain about their sellers. No matter what you tell the owners, they will NOT clean up. We had just sold our house in the US (without the dubious benefit of an agent), so we were familiar with the selling drill - tidy up, empty out, and clear out on a moment's notice. Not so the French. I can't tell you how many scattered children's toys, loose shoes, etc., we had to step over, once we got into an apartment we wanted to see.

Or thought we wanted to see.

We soon learned never to trust a French real estate agent's word that something met our criteria. "Oh, you want a 2-bedroom apartment at least 65 square meters near Metro station Ladidah? I can show you three this afternoon!" Get out your dictionary, because what he really means is that he can show you three apartments none of which is over 60 meters, two of which are a kilometer away from Metro Ladidah, and one of which only has one bedroom. However, if you ask very specific questions, you CAN make an appointment to see an apartment you MIGHT want. It will, naturally, take you some time wandering in the outer circles of Immobilier Inferno before you learn which the right questions to ask are. Of course, whether or not you get in to any given apartment depends on whether or not the real estate agent shows up. We dealt with at least one who didn't.

But let us say you arrange a meeting. Where will you meet? On a corner, somewhere in the general vicinity of the building you are going to visit. 9.9 French agents out of 10 will NOT, no matter what, tell you the address of the building you are going to see until you meet. And even if you have scoped out the neighborhood thoroughly, many apartments for sale have no A VENDRE sign, so you won't know that you are being taken to that really awful building you wouldn't be caught dead in until the real estate agent shows you the door and explains that it is a very suitable apartment, although the standing is merely average.

Standing is one of the those bits or French real estate vocabulary that take some getting used to. Yes, it is English. What is means is, "how cool is the building?" Is it Haussmanien? That is very cool indeed. It means it was built between 1852 and 1870, when M. Haussman was Prefect of Paris. It will certainly be pierre de taille, that gorgeous cream-coloured stone that is the hallmark of Paris. Such a building will have grand standing. Was it built of concrete and tin cans in the despised 1970s? Such a building will have standing moyen - average standing. Of course, like in Lake Wobegon, nothing is ever below average. Bon standing is good enough for most mortals - and may even get you stone, or some nice brickwork from the 1930s.

Another piece of real estate language you need to learn is cuisine Américaine, an "American" kitchen. What's an American kitchen in Paris? I'm an American, and I didn't have the faintest idea. It turns out it's a kitchen which is open to the view of the living/dining room. These are in fashion nowadays. Then there is the question of whether the kitchen is amenagée or équipée. Amenagée means it comes with cabinets. Equipée means it comes with at least some appliances. But I could write a book. Maybe I will. For now, let's pretend that after the proper period of time, you find an apartment you might want to buy, and decide to go back for a second visit.

Wait a minute, just what is the proper period of time? Well, one of the first questions a Paris real estate agent will ask you is how long you have been looking? If you have been looking for less than 6 weeks, you are not yet serious, and they will not make much of an effort. If it is more than 4 months, especially if it is a lot more, then you are too picky and will likewise suffer. The correct response is 2-3 months. Of course, it also depends on how many apartments you have seen. No one is expected to buy without having seen at least half a dozen, but once you get past 20, you're a tough customer - and nobody wants to see you.

So, you make the second visit. This is often in the evening, so the whole family can inspect you and judge your intentions. It is a good time to ask about the neighbors, the local bakeries, and the state of relations in the condo association. Let us say you go away and think about it. Don't be surprised to get a call from the agent, who has taken a liking to you and wants to let you know that another couple saw the apartment for the second time last night and they are about to make an offer, but you have a chance to get in first. If you say no, don't be surprised to see the apartment still for sale a month later, never having received any offers. Several agents tried this one on us.

But you persevere, and eventually find an apartment you really do want to buy. The first question is, what is the asking price? Hunh? Didn't the agent tell you that? Of course, but that is THIS agent's asking price. There may be others. Many Paris apartments are listed with several different agencies. There is no common listing system, and different agencies may well be offering the same apartment at different prices. We saw one apartment being sold by 3 different agencies, with a 15,000 euro price difference between the top and the bottom. How do you find out if this is the case with your new castle? Well there are a number of internet search engines, and then there are agency windows, since some of them have no web sites, and none of them put all of their properties on the web. Yes, it is about fifty years behind the times, but that is one of the reasons you love France, right?

Having finally established the asking price, you must make an offer. The offer must be written, and must conform to certain legal rules. No two agencies will tell you the same set of rules. But that's another story. For now, just be glad you've found something you want to buy. Some people spend years looking without making an offer, wandering forever in the Immobilier Inferno.