SPRING FASHION REVIEW FOR NON-BULIMICS
By Noelle Wilson

I have hips.

That's right. And breasts, too, and mighty strong dancer's thighs, and calves that could split a pair of calfskin boots right down the back with a flex of my foot. I'm not in the best shape of my life, but when I did run three miles a day I still wore a size 10. You know why? Because I have hips. I told you that, already.

The problem is that I'm 23, which is close enough to 18 to still feel bad if I don't pass for may-I-see-your-ID. I want to look good, be cute, wear the latest styles, and big sunglasses fit great on me but everything else makes me look like a Mac truck in heels. So what's a strong girl with hips have to do? Fortunately for you, I raided my local Target and took the entire clothing section into the dressing room with me, just to bring the average girl the do's and do not's of Spring 2007.

No Way: Empire Waistlines
Didn't these go away sometime in the 90's? Apparently not. Okay, so in the mirror it looks like we have fantastic racks and our hips are all but hidden by folds of fabric. But we have great breasts anyway, and now we also appear 6 months pregnant. It feels good to wear, but I've never met a man who's actually attracted to the style, so unless you're having a self-confidence attack, ditch it and be proud of your curvy, curvy self. Just remember; styles like this were invented to make girls with no hips try and look more like you.

Heck Yeah: Knee-Length Wrap Dresses
Thank God that the mini is out of the way. I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but there's nothing I'm more proud of than my calves. I love them. I want to be a calf model. And I also need, in order not to look like a blob, a dividing line between my breasts and my hips. If only there was a knee-length garment that wrapped and tied, so that I had nice long lines and still looked curvy... oh! Hey, check it! Not every style of wrap dress is going to fit every figure, but on the whole these are really good ideas for the thicker girl.

I'd Rather Die: Skinny Jeans
Now, these are just cruel. Who thinks that looking like your ankles are going to snap in half is a good idea? Unless you can get out of them without peeling (meaning you're a puff of air and you need to eat some spaghetti, pronto), you have no business wearing skinny jeans. Stick instead to bootcuts or subtle flares, maybe even:

I'll Take Two: Wide-Legs and Dancer Pants
Oh, man, I have no idea what I'm going to do when the wide-leg pant finally disappears for good. It's comfy, it's roomy, and best of all, there's a chance of it actually fitting your hips! Mine are dancing with joy. Apparently, according to my secret sources, you're supposed to pair these pants with a cropped jacket and outrageous jewelry; as if you have time for that. I say, slap on your favorite printed t-shirt that makes your boobs look irresistible and stop thinking so much about "supposed to."

Gag Me With A Spoon: Metallics
Maybe it's just me, but I'm made of flesh, and I have no interest in being shiny. Not even in my handbags and shoes, and certainly not in my jackets and pants. Apparently, though, some people do, and it's very important not to let them sway you. This actually has nothing to do with width, height, or shoe size; it just looks kind of stupid. I want the shiniest thing on me to be the quarter in my pocket, maybe my engagement ring. That's it, sucka.

Drive Me To The Mall: Stripes
See, this one was hard. Horizontal stripes just scream "I'm in high school" and, while I want to look hot, I do not intend to be mistaken for my twelfth-grade self. But for chicks with hips, it's one of the very best things you can do. Go Beetlejuice and get yourself some black-and-white jailhouse-style stripes, or don the oddly collegiate burgundy-and-yellow and be the hot Ivy League ho you know you would've been if you'd actually gotten into Yale. Thick stripes on tight shirts make everything pop where it should and give the impression of a waistline even where there is none.

So Wrong: Blousy Tunics
You've got to be kidding. Printed bags of fabric that hide my rack, my waist, and my glorious hips, only to strap to my thighs and make me look like a lollipop, a rounded body on two stick legs? No thanks. Again, fashion designers made these for skinny girls who want to look like us. If you're already gorgeous, you might as well be wearing a potato sack. Throw it away. So not worth it.

So Right: Tunics That Don't Necessarily Suck
Hey, I said blousy tunics, okay? Just because a shirt comes down to your thighs doesn't make it bad; some of them are actually quite nice. With a fitted waist, for instance, that pulls down low over the curve of your hips and blouses out a little over your ribs and chest, you can hide the bad spots and accent the good. And fitted tunics can do a lot to smooth you over and turn that beautiful body into one long, lovely line. And that my friends, is imminently worth it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think skinny girls are pretty. But I did once read an interview with a Victoria's Secret model who was asked about her signature runway walk (a kind of back-and-forth step that resulted in a body wave). She ever-so-candidly replied that she felt so self-conscious growing up without hips that she began walking is a way that made her body bend back and forth, giving her the appearance of curves where there were none. I, for one, am going to take that as a compliment.