INSIGNIFICANT RAMBLINGS OF A SEVERELY SCATTERED MIND #2
By Jes Alexander
© 2008 Jes Alexander

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Use a new word every day. My new favorite word: pugnaciously. Look it up, there may be a pop-quiz.

Don't throw out food unnecessarily. One day, I had half a bag of potatoes that was going to go bad if I didn't use them soon, so i roasted them: A roasting pan full of golden, butery Colorado potatoes, Maya onions, and yellow onions (with Hungarian paprika, sea salt, crushed red and black pepper, olive oil, and a little garlic) ZEN COOKING™: Roast them a couple of hours, or so, at about 350 degrees. In my house, they became known as, "those potatoes," and I've been asked to make them, again and again. One time, I even added tomatoes.

Got kids? Dress them in designer clothes for as much as 80% (or more!) off by purchasing timeless items off-season, at department stores.

Just a little reminder to Entertainment Tonight, Hollywood Access, CNN, FOX News, and all the rest: A lot of us are really sick and tired of stories about Brittney Spears (and her sister), the late Anna Nicole Smith's illegitimate baby, and Lindsey Lohan's social whereabouts. Give it a rest, will ya?

Love is .. a luxuriously long robe that makes you walk like a geisha.

Tired of shaving .. and spending $10 for a package of blades? Noxzema is selling a new line of disposables that fit seductively in your hand, are designed for the closest shave ever, and cost less than $2.50 for a package of four.

I had to clean my oven, the other day. Yeah - eew. Skip the toxic fumes and use Fantastic brand Oxy Power spray cleaner and one of those little magic sponges. It works - and you won't need an iron lung, afterwards.

Paradox: Why did the WGA strike hold the entertainment industry hostage for months when it seems like all the shows are "reality" based?!? Hey, I live in reality. I could write that stuff with my eyes closed. I want a job writing reality.

EXPERIMENT: Have you noticed that more and more photographers take un-centered and blurry photos? Why don't we try something - buy a box camera and hand it to a child of any age. Let them click at-will. Develop the roll and send me the best of the best, because there's virtually no difference between what kids snap and what is now called "stylistic".

Hate cleaning your bathroom? Save oodles of time scrubbing the floor by vacuuming up the fallen hairs, first - before you get the floor wet.

My favorite line from the movie-version of the Broadway musical RENT: "There will always be women in rubber flirting with me .. " - Maureen

Learn another language. Why? Apparently you didn't read our cover page, did you? Shame. Go back and read it, immediately.

The fastest way to lose weight is to stop eating out. Think about it, a minute - when you don't cook the food yourself, you have no idea what's really in it (see: calories, fat, sodium, and *eew* MSG). Besides, you want to save up for that new wardrobe.

My favorite tabloid weekly headline of all-time: Face on Mars is Ted Kennedy. That's right - the same tabloids that won't shut up about a certain skivvy-less pop artist, once claimed this "face" on the surface of the planet Mars was actually the likeness of the particularly infamous Senator from Massachussetts. Now, don't you feel dumb for buying that crap?

Has anyone else noticed that not a single guy in the new big brother house has so much as one lonely body hair? None. Zilch. Julie Chen must have a sister who owns a waxing salon.

Does anyone else remember when Maury Povich was actually a legitimate journalist? And while I'm on the subject of Maury, exactly how many men are there in the tri-state area who don't know they fathered children?

I am severely concerend that we have become *so* lazy as a nation that watching fat people lose weight on The Biggest Loser has become a pasttime for so many. Here's a tip, people - if you'd go for a walk (the sofa to the fridge and back IS NOT a lap) in the evening, instead of voyeuristically watching others go from 320 to 260 .. you might feel better about yourselves. Think about it, a minute. Those contestants are literally working their posterior's off, and you're sitting on yours, on the sofa. Who's the biggest loser, now?!?

Also in the "I can't believe this is actually on television" category .. Paradise Hotel is back. Paradise Hotel? I mean seriously, who are their sponsors, the makers of Valtrex, and Dr. Tom's Anti-Crab ointment?

2/24 - A personal message to the darling of NBC, Tina Fey: I loved seeing you back on SNL, last night, as host. Seriously, you're one of the funniest people ever. Had you gone into like banking after college, I'd probably be calling the alumni office or getting your contact info off like LinkedIn so I could pester you into snarking it up with us, here. Instead, you simply own that Deer Isle granite palace on Fifth Avenue (Deer Isle granite? Yes, m'dear, that's what Rockefeller Center is made out of. I do know a few things that you still don't!) Listen - when you unseat Jeff Zucker and take the reigns of the whole darn place, txt me - I'm dying to do an Irreverent Homemaker television show with you .. I mean FOR you, your General Electric Highness.

2/25 - OSCAR SNARK: How come nobody ever mentions that Cameron Diaz always looks like she does her own hair for awards shows? Notthatthereisanythingwrongwiththat, but one of the Kojo's certainly must have noticed, already; Hands-down, the scariest moment of the night had to be seeing that Regis Philbin has turned into Joan Rivers. Along the same lines .. How many Ryan Seacrests are there?!?; BEST DRESSED? George Clooney. OK, maybe Penelope Cruz, too, or Keri Russell. WORST DRESSED? Daniel Day Lewis' ears. I mean god knows I think you're brilliant, DDL, but those ears were not made for gold hoops.

Do you have your own insignificant ramblings? Please post them in our BLOG.

INSIGNIFICANT RAMBLINGS OF A SEVERELY SCATTERED MIND #1.
Useless knowledge for good, not evil. (<-- clicky-clicky)

WHEEL .. OF .. MISFORTUNE.
When You're Unemployed In LA Do You Look For Work? Heck No - You Audition, Like Joel Schwartzberg. (<-- clicky-clicky)

CONFESSIONS OF A LATINA SITCOM STAR.
So, you think acting isn't a hard career?
Don't tell that to Yeni Alvarez. (<-- clicky-clicky)

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THE MIDDLE.
Cynthia J. Cohen Breaks Down Her Friend Patty's "Hiccup." (<-- clicky-clicky)

OLIVIA'S CORNER.
Expectations: Inside the Real Actor's Studio. (<-- clicky-clicky)